Mental Health Rewind
by NotYetLostFaith
Summary: "Then what caused an, otherwise apparently happy, fourteen year old to try and take her own life? What caused our, otherwise apparently happy, fourteen year old to try and take her own life?" A look back on the events that caused Mental Health Break. One-Shot. Can stand alone. TRIGGER WARNING!


Authors note: I cannot stress enough how triggering this may be. I will never be offended if you cannot read a story of mine because it is too distressing. Please, heed this warning before continuing. NYLF

* * *

"Beckett." Kate answered quickly but distractedly, bringing her cell up to her ear, as she typed up her file with her right hand.

"Kate!" Castle's voice screamed through the phone, making his wife jump.

"Castle? What's wrong?" Kate asked, concern tearing through her at the panic in his voice, any thought of anything other than this fleeing her brain immediately.

"It's Hannah." He cried. "You need to get to the hospital."

"Rick...?" Kate breathed, terrified.

"Now, Kate!" He shouted before the phone went dead in her hand.

Kate was on her feet and out of the door in seconds, her legs collapsing in on her as she leaned against the door frame.

"Captain?" Esposito asked quietly, rushing her her side, while his partner flanked him.

"What happened, Kate?" Ryan asked quietly.

"It's, it's Hannah, she's, she's in the hospital." Kate stuttered, horror pulsing through her veins. "I, I don't, Rick called, I," she shook her head, trying to focus.

"Come on." Espo grabbed her elbow and dragged her towards the elevator. "We'll drive you."

* * *

Kate flooded through the emergency doors, her eyes scanning the room for sight of her family.

Her frantic eyes found her husband, hunched over himself in the corner, his head in his hands.

"Rick?" She whispered, barely able to ask.

"Kate..." he shook his head, running his hands through his hair, drawing Kate's attention to his shirt sleeves, soaked through and tinged red.

Kate gasped. "Tell me she's okay, Rick." She begged, her voice breathless and vulnerable.

"They, she's in surgery, Kate." Castle murmured, guiding his wife down into the chair beside him when her knees gave out. "She's lost a lot of blood and she severed a pretty major vein."

"What the hell happened?" Kate begged, her eyes stuck on her child's blood clinging to the threads of her husband's sleeves. She'd burn that shirt when they got home, no matter the outcome.

"I didn't even know she was in there. Just popped into her bathroom to put clean towels in there. She was unconscious in the bath, one of the kitchen knives in the water with her, her wrist slashed and blood _every_ where." His voice faded as he spoke until he was only whispering.

Kate felt her heart stop.

Her baby, her precious baby girl had tried to kill herself?

"Rick?" She breathed, not able to process it, not able to wrap her head around the facts in front of her.

She thought they were good parents.

She thought they could talk about anything.

"I don't get it either." Rick whispered, putting his head back in his hands, leaning forward, just trying to breathe.

His youngest daughter was in surgery.

His baby had tried to kill herself.

* * *

"Mr and Mrs Castle?"

The call came an hour or so later, finding Rick slumped forward, Kate leaning her forehead against his back. They both startled to standing when they heard their names, though.

"Is she okay?" Castle asked quickly, ignoring just how tightly his wife was holding his hand.

"Ms Castle is going to be okay." The young doctor nodded, watching as both the parents before him slumped in relief.

"Can we see her?" Kate asked, desperately.

The doctor nodded again. "She's just being moved to her own room, as per your request Mr Castle, and then you are more than welcome to sit with her. She will wake up in her own time from the anaesthetic."

"And her, injuries?" Castle murmured, not wanting to ask, not wanting to know, but needing the facts before he could walk into that room.

"If you hadn't have found her when you did, she would have bled out." The doctor kept his voice low, but it didn't lessen the shock.

"I need to see her." Kate begged, her voice vulnerable and thready.

The doctor nodded, waved over a nurse, and asked him to take them down.

* * *

"She pressed hard, and deep, severing her radial artery lengthways in a three inch long, half inch deep cut." Kate summarised as she read her girl's chart. "The warm water kept the blood flowing." She shuddered. "What the hell was _so bad_ that she couldn't _talk_ to us, Rick? That _this_ was her only option?"

"If we knew _that_ , Kate, we wouldn't _be_ in this situation." He snapped, his eyes never leaving Hannah's pale, unmoving face.

"Right." Kate murmured. She shook her head, running her hand through her hair again, as she resumed pacing.

"You aren't helping anyone, Kate. Either sit down, or go for a walk." Rick sighed.

"You expect me to _leave?_ While she's like _this_?" Kate asked, incredulous.

"I expect you to do something _other_ than pace a hole in the bloody floor." He replied, harshly, eyes flashing as he looked at her.

Kate stopped dead, hurt shimmering in her eyes as she slumped into the chair opposite her husband, burying her head in her hands as her lower lip trembled, hard.

"Kate," Rick sighed softly, "I'm sorry. I shouldn't snap at you."

"She's _my_ baby too, Rick. She's my baby girl, and she tried to _kill_ _herself_ because she couldn't talk to me, and I have no idea what to do." Kate murmured, her entire body trembling as tears poured down her face.

Rick sighed softly. "It's not your fault, Kate." He murmured.

Kate shook her head. "I'm her _mom,_ Castle. She should be able to talk to me about _anything."_

Rick shook his head before standing slowly, the weight of the world firmly on his shoulders, and coming to crouch beside his wife's knee, gently resting his hands on her thighs. "Do you blame me?" He asked quietly, shy and unsure even to his own ears.

Kate looked up sharply, her wet hands coming down from her eyes to grasp his fingers. "Of course I don't. I couldn't. Have I...? I don't want you thinking..."

Castle smiled at her gently, squeezing her thighs. "Then you can't blame yourself. I'm her _dad_ , Kate. I should've been there for her. She should be able to come to me. You can't take all of this on yourself, babe." He shook his head, his eyes heavy and sad. "It's not like we put the knife in her hand."

Kate opened her mouth to protest further, but she was interrupted by a soft moan from the bed beside them.

Both adults stopped still, watching as Hannah's eyes fluttered open slowly. She took a moment, slowly taking in the ceiling of her hospital room, before she squeezed her eyes shut again.

" _Dammit_." She whispered to herself, before curling into a ball, and starting to cry.

* * *

"Hannah?" Castle whispered, coming round to sit beside her on the bed.

His youngest only sobbed harder.

He sighed softly, gently cupping the back of her head with his broad palm, stroking her silky hair with his thumb. "Hannah, baby, it's okay. We're here." He continued, keeping the shake out of his voice, barely.

"No." The teenager mumbled. "No, I should be dead. Why aren't I dead?" She cried.

A sob fell from Kate's lips, making the girl startle before Kate shook her head, covering her mouth with her hands, and fled from the room.

Hannah stared at the doorway Kate had just run through, before turning to her dad. "Is she mad at me?" The question was so quiet and young, it broke his heart.

"No." He shook his head firmly. "We're confused, honey, and scared. But we are _not_ mad at you. Mom's just finding it hard to watch you in a hospital bed, sweetie. She loves you so much that it tears her apart to see you in so much pain." He leaned down and kissed her temple gently, savouring the warmth of her skin before pulling back. "But no one is mad at you, baby."

"You should be." Hannah murmured softly.

"No." Castle murmured softy. "No, baby, we shouldn't. But I am confused, sweetie." He paused.

Hannah looked up at him curiously, eyes red and puffy from crying.

"Baby, what happened?" He asked quietly, his hand resting on the back of her head.

Hannah shook her head, dropping eye contact.

"How about I get mom? See if you won't talk to her?" Rick asked softly, already rising from the bed, but his daughter caught his hand.

"Don't." She murmured. "She won't want to see me like this."

Castle crouched so he was eye level with his daughter. "What makes you say that?"

Hannah shrugged. "I'm a failure."

* * *

"She's gonna be okay." Kate murmured into her phone, as Rick carefully shut the door behind him. "Yeah, Alexis, of course we'll keep in touch. But she's gonna be okay. She'll be home soon and," his wife's voice cracked around a sob, "and I don't know what'll happen then."

There was a pause, and Castle watched as his wife tried desperately not to sob as she listened to her stepdaughter's voice.

"No, Alexis. Stay there, okay? This job is important, and your family needs you." Kate shook her head desperately. "No Alexis, I, I wasn't, I _know_ Hannah is your family, I didn't mean to suggest, god I'm failing you both today," she paused running her hand through her hair frantically, "I meant Liam and the boys, I didn't, I know she's family, Lex." Kate smiled softly. "Of course, and send ours to your guys. I'll call as soon as we have any news, I promise." Another pause, one that had her breath hitching. "I love you too, Alexis."

She hung up the phone, holding it to her lips, eyes closed, as she fought to not have a complete breakdown in the hospital corridor.

"Kate?" Rick asked quietly.

Kate jumped violently at his voice, spinning to face him. "Rick? Is she okay? Did you leave her _alone_?" She asked in quick succession, frantic and petrified.

"Hey, Kate, relax." He murmured, gently setting both of his hands on her upper arms, squeezing just enough to keep her together. "Han's asleep. Drifted off a couple of minutes ago." He left out the part where she'd fallen asleep after telling him she was a failure, and refusing to elaborate, no matter what he said. She didn't need to hear that right now.

Kate nodded. "I, I called Alexis. Let her know what was going on."

Rick smiled at her reassuringly. "I hadn't even thought of doing that, so thank you."

Kate shrugged.

"And Kate?" Rick asked slowly, waiting for his wife's eyes to meet his before continuing. "You haven't failed her. Either of them."

Kate eyes dropped firmly to her shoes. "You heard that?"

"You haven't failed her." He repeated earnestly. "She didn't do this because you failed her, Kate."

"Then what caused an, otherwise apparently happy, _fourteen_ year old to try to take her own life, Rick? What caused _our,_ otherwise apparently happy, _fourteen_ year old to try to take her own life? Because I don't _understand_. She's _perfect_ , Rick. Absolutely perfect, and she was our miracle baby, and now we're in a hospital because she _slit_ her _bloody wrist_." Kate fell into his shoulder, letting him support her as she sobbed.

Castle wrapped his arms around her, bringing her tight into his chest. "I don't know. I don't have all the answers, but we'll get her through it. I promise, okay? We won't lose her to this."

"We almost did." Kate murmured, heartbroken. "If you hadn't have gone in when you did, if her bathroom lock hadn't of broken three days before, if she had used a different bathroom, or another method, we'd have lost her."

"Then I'd say it's fate that everything happened as it did." Castle murmured against her temple. "Someone up there was looking out for her, Kate, and let me find her in time to save her."

Kate sighed deeply. "I just want her to be okay."

Castle squeezed her tighter. "Me too."

* * *

"Hannah?" Kate whispered, loathed to wake her, but Rick had gone home to collect some of the girl's things and Kate wanted to talk to her. "Baby?" And really, seeing her awake was a lot less scary than watching her baby girl, deathly pale and bandaged, in a hospital bed.

"Mom?" Hannah murmured, opening her eyes slowly.

"Hey, baby." Kate smiled, gently teasing a curl off her child's forehead. "How you feeling?"

Hannah shrugged.

"That's okay." Kate promised softly, dragging the chair up so she could sit down. "It's okay to not know how you're feeling. Ever, but especially right now, honey."

Hannah's eyes welled up before she shut them tight.

Kate's heart tripped. "Baby? You do know that, right?" She asked quietly, tilting her head slightly. "You know neither daddy or I need you to be put together all the time, right?"

Hannah shrugged.

"No, _baby_." Kate stood and perched on the edge of the bed, in the curve of her child's body, wrapping her arm around her back as she leaned down to rest her head on her shoulder. "Hannah you listen to me, okay?"

Hannah nodded.

"You're ours. Okay? Daddy, me, Lex, you're _ours._ And that means you can be _whatever_ you want, or _need_ , to be, and we will still love you. To the end of the universe, and beyond." Kate promised desperately, trying to not let her voice crack.

"But," Hannah started, but shook her head without continuing.

"No buts, Hannah, okay? I'm your _mom_. I felt your heartbeat on the inside, baby, that makes you my _entire world_ , beautiful girl." Kate shook her head. "But I'm never there, am I, huh?"

Hannah tensed.

"Hannah, I may not make it very clear, okay? Your dad is better with words than me, we all know that, but you mean more to me that anything in this world, okay? I'd walk through fire for you, Han, take a bullet. If it meant you were safe, and happy, I would do _anything_. No exceptions."

"This, mom, I didn't. It's not your fault." Hannah murmured tearfully.

"Okay." Kate smiled softly, hugging her just a little tighter in relief. "You, you want to talk about what it _was_?"

Hannah moved, making her mom sit up and release her.

The fourteen year old pulled herself up until she was sitting, careful to stay off her right hand, before pulling her knees up into her chest. Kate crossed one of her legs under her so she could face the girl, head on.

"I, I just." Hannah stopped, shaking her head, even as she picked at the bandage on her wrist.

Kate gently took her hands in her own, squeezing gently. "You can tell me anything, Hannah." She promised earnestly.

"I know." Hannah whispered. "I," she sighed "I got an F, for the first time ever. And it was in Lit and I'm the daughter of a writer, y'know?" She whispered, shook her head, tears pouring down her face.

"Hannah..." Kate breathed.

"And I kept lying to dad about it, because he was going on about how proud he was that I was getting straight A's."

Kate shook her head. "Hannah, we wouldn't..."

"And Leah told me she hated me. That I was a bitch of a friend, and she didn't like me any more, because I told her I wouldn't ask dad to get her tickets for his book launch."

Kate made a mental note to have a word with her daughter's supposed best friend.

"And Conner took another girl to the movies on Saturday."

Another mental note to _string up_ the boyfriend.

"And you and dad are always so busy, and I tried to talk to dad about it last week, but he was writing, and you didn't get home until after I'd gone to bed. And I can't sleep any more, and then I broke my door and I just..." Hannah dissolved into tears.

Kate gently pulled her into her body, holding Hannah to her chest as she sobbed, letting her own tears seep into her baby's hair.

"I'm such a failure." Hannah sobbed.

" _No_." Kate cried, tearfully, squeezing Hannah tighter. "No, baby, you haven't failed anyone. You _couldn't_."

"But, my best friend, and my boyfriend, and you, and dad..."

"No, you listen to me." Kate started, firm despite her tears, pulling away to look her daughter in the eye. "You haven't failed anyone. You understand me? If Leah is willing to sacrifice your friendship for a stupid event, than she isn't worth your time, the same with Conner. If seven months means nothing to him, forget him." Kate practically growled. "Me and your dad are so bloody proud of you Hannah Martha, you could get F's in everything, you still wouldn't be a failure to us, so long as you were _trying_."

Hannah curled back into her mother's chest.

"Baby, we all love you so much." Kate shook her head, pressing her lips to Hannah's hair. "I love you so much, my little miracle, and I wish I would have been there to help you, for you to talk to." She sighed softly. "But you couldn't fail us if you tried, baby."

* * *

Alexis sat across from her baby sister, on the latter's bed, a few days later.

She'd been released from hospital, but was still heartbreakingly pale, her right wrist still encased in bright white bandages that she had to change every other day. She needed either parent to help her re-wrap it, and the devastation they tried to hide when they saw the angry red scar underneath, broke Hannah's heart.

"How you been, kiddo?" Alexis asked quietly.

Liam and the boys were downstairs, her husband comforting her step mother, while her father entertained her two year old and five year old.

Hannah shrugged. "Okay, I guess."

Alexis sighed. "You know you can call me? Day or night? Right?"

"I know. You just, you've got better things to worry about than me." Hannah shrugged.

Alexis shook her head, shuffling closer to slip her arm around her sister's shoulders. "Han, you're _family_." She shrugged. "That means _you_ are my priority. If you call me, you know I'll drop everything to talk to you, to talk you _down_ if I have to."

Hannah sniffed before falling into her sister's embrace.

Alexis held her tightly. "I'm here for you, babe." She murmured. "No matter what happens, no matter how hard it gets." She gently ran her hand up and down Hannah's back.

"I saw something and thought of you." Alexis murmured, pulling her tablet across the bed and bringing up the web page she'd been looking at. "It's called The Butterfly Project."

Alexis held the tablet so her sister could see the screen, smiling gently when she took it from her.

After a few moments, Alexis reached into her purse and bought out the plastic tub. "I bought you these, too." She murmured, placing the tub of every colour that Sharpie produced between them. "Thought maybe, you could give it a go? Between that, and all of us, and therapy, I thought we might be able to get you through this."

Hannah threw her arms around her sister, holding her tighter.

* * *

Four days ago, she'd laid in the bathtub and hoped to anyone listening that she wouldn't have to wake up again.

Now, maybe, just _maybe_ , there might be a little light at the end of the tunnel.


End file.
